Greetings, Blog Reading Friends, (BACKGROUND)
I have never actually written a blog post before, so I am approaching this the same way I would approach writing in a diary. Unorganized and no specific direction. Just spilling my guts about my daily life because a blog is not going to judge me the way another human being would.
Where should I even begin? My life is such a freaking dumpster fire, and I don't know the first thing about how to sort things out. How to grow the fuck up. Gain full independence within my life. But I'm not going to be able to achieve that goal until I gain a full-time job that doesn't make me resent life as we know it. On top of that, even if I did love my job, I don't get paid near enough, and never will get paid enough, even on a full-time schedule to live independently.
Try being in my position, high school graduate, college dropout after one term. Not having any idea what kind of job to pursue next so I can move forward in my life. The toxicity of my current job is ridiculous, management sucks, and always will when it comes to healthcare, because there will never be enough help in that particular line of work. Because all healthcare workers seem to get treated like they are gum stuck to the bottom of one's shoe. They don't get treated in such a way that they deserve to be.
The only thing, I should say PERSON, that has got me past the last 2 and a half years of my job, was Jay. He has served as my light at the end of the tunnel, every day that I had to work. Every weekend as I tried to work up the necessary morale to show up and not bite anybody's head off. He has always been there, even when there for a while, I would ignore him on Snapchat, I would open his snaps or his chats, and never reply until the end of the day. For the sole purpose of maintaining our snap streak.
Then an incident happened in December of 2022, I needed somebody to talk to, to console me, just to be my shoulder to rant on. I turned to Jay because he sent me yet another snap asking me how I was doing, and I caved. After months of shutting everybody out, I let him in. We started talking regularly. We developed a connection, and after several months of talking, it was August of 2023 to be precise, I started feeling something intense in my heart. Talking to him was my greatest source of happiness.
We talked about absolutely everything together. It felt right. Then September rolls around, and I had another friend at that time, his name was Hayes. He was my shoulder to cry on when I was frustrated over the complicated situation with Jay. He gave me the advice to tell Jay how I felt. So I did, on September 16th, the day before my 21st birthday. He teased me about how "Brit loves me, Brit loves me" and I caved and admitted it; falsely interpreting it to be a safe enough time to just open up like that.
Shit hit the fan. There was a fight between me and Jay, and by that, I mean I pulled quite the guilt trip on him, and told him all kinds of mean things because he refused to set up a time for us to hang out. Things were tense for quite a while between us. Then in March 2024 he had plans to move to Minnesota and never had a proper conversation with me, about any kind of a heads up, and it was a huge shock to me. I had no time to prepare myself mentally, and I couldn't eat for the better part of a week.
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