Greetings, my fellow blog reading snoops,
Where did I leave off? Oh. Right! LOVE. TRIANGLES. FUCKING. SUCK. MAKE THAT YOUR MANTRA!! Don't let yourself fall for the hot looking trap that I fell for blindly.
I am a person that cannot fucking stand the idea of hurting another person. Don't get me wrong I've been hurt before, I have the perfect motive to wish pain and suffering upon another person, but I won't. But yet I have allowed myself to be put into a position to have to choose who I want to hurt.
C.B.? or Jay? Who will it be? Jay has caused so much more heartache and tears in my eyesore the last couple of months than thinking about every painful high school memory back to back has caused me in 4 years. Now here is the kicker, we are officially caught up on the main drama of my mess of a life.
Can you believe that?? I CAN'T!! I am honestly proud of myself for using as few words to describe my painful life, as I have. I know, don't even get me started on that. I bet this is almost starting to make you guys feel better about your own lives now, huh?
Okay, okay. Fine. We are officially caught up to my present. I woke up this morning caring less about hearing from Jay, and caring more about hearing from C.B. right away. Which is fucking crazy. Don't get me wrong, I love and care about Jay, even if platonically. I'm almost starting to consider that it's largely because I'm fucking over the consistency of being let down.
Again, all of the red flags were there, I seen them, I chose to ignore them and be an optimist. That everyone has some sort of emotional baggage to some extent. The kind of life that Jay has been dealt is largely unfair, he has a lot to be proud of, but a lot that stresses him out in ways that no human being should ever have to experience. But I got tired of playing the role of the naive, pathetic, optimist.
Because at some point over the last couple of months, it was the messages from C.B. that I craved. Hearing my name coming out of his mouth. The way he talks to me. Everything about my situation with C.B. is almost the exact opposite of what I have been getting out of Jay. I don't have any heartache when it comes to C.B. because he hasn't led me on for 2+ years. He has been transparent. There is uncertainty when it comes to C.B. and a lot of anxiety is associated with my opening up to new people.
Sometimes when I talk to C.B. I do get the impression that maybe he only cares for the "physical intimacy" aspect of a relationship with me. But when I had asked him whether it would be a big deal to him if I didn't want to do "it" right away, he said that it was okay. We discuss it quite a bit, but he doesn't expect it right away. Though he was a little surprised when I had said that. Then after we had cleared the uncertainty of that matter, we dived back into the "intimate talk." As I had said, there is a lot of uncertainty, and this is painfully new territory for me.
But as of today, and right now, I think I've officially made my decision. I want to take the chance on C.B.
And I'm not certain about this, but we may or may not being setting something up in two weeks. So, despite my daily updates, stay tuned for the big update!
Yours Truly,
Britlit L.A.
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