Okay blog bitches, I didn't realize that id have quite as much to say in this update, so y'all can shut the fuck up, don't wanna read? I'm not sitting here holding you hostage!
The thing about C.B. is that sometimes, there is radio silence in between our conversations, which is all fine and good with me in the present. For reasons I feel like I have mentioned in prior posts, such as we are not dating, or committed, we just know that we like each other, and want to potentially pursue something. Yesterday, we didn't exchange any words, it doesn't feel like a result of an underlying problem, thankfully. So I ended up doing a little soul searching, how do I want to go about handling this? and I finally came up with my answer. Shortly after I got out of bed for the day, I sent him a simple selfie on Snapchat, and added a simple "Hey."
To my surprise, he actually responded within 10 minutes, naturally, I was a little worried about how he might respond, would he send a simple selfie? Would he reply with a simple "Hey"? I am still in fucking disbelief (that's meant in a good way since I'm not always good at making the necessary tone come through in writing)! Not only has he replied "Hey," but he gave me an entire explanation as to why he hasn't said much yesterday, I did not ask for an explanation at all. Which mostly tells me the one thing, that he is big on communication, and honesty, whether it was asked for. Inside, let me tell you, my mind was blown, I could practically hear the SCREAMS of absolute shock and excitement.
One thing that I think you all should know about me, is that I do not ask for explanations unless it is well within reason. Maybe Jay set my standards frighteningly low, or C.B. just raised the bar for my standards, to a greater level, which scares me what happens next if C.B. and I end up parting ways. But again, my bitches, one thing at a time, let's only cross these bridges once we come across them. Not soar over all of them in a helicopter ride with an aerial view of the entire realm of possibilities. One bridge at a time. In short, his unnecessary explanation, has me fucking amazed, and my jaw practically scraping the ground as I am writing this piece. That almost is enough to make my entire day, I am not naive enough to say with absolute certainty at this point. I made that mistake once before.
It's crazy how I can be sarcastic with C.B. and he can take it, and he'll even say something else in response to it. It's not always sarcasm, but he'll say something back that makes me smile a little bit, and what gets me sometimes, when I say something smart, he'll send me a selfie and he's kinda smiling himself. But I don't take that to mean anything more than what it likely does, if I make a good sarcastic comment, yeah a couple laughs or small smiles will come as a result. Still, it feels good to know I brought that particular expression to someone's face.
As far as my situation with C.B. goes, the other day I said we could do something. Since I did write about this in yesterday's post; I'll leave it at, we might do something in two weeks. I'm not entirely sure, I'm going to keep experimenting with casually talking with him, we will see where things go from there. I'm going to keep an eye on how he reacts to these talks, and from there we will figure out what comes next. Well it's a shit plan, but you know what? its the best I can come up with for myself given everything I know about myself, my past experiences, and gauging what is coming to light in this situation as well.
You know what? You're reading my blog to feel better about your crazy ass lives, so I don't much appreciate your skepticism over my plans. I'm always thinking about this bullshit, so we'll see what I come up with tomorrow, thank you very much. This kind of thing stresses me out, because this isn't exactly my area of expertise, I generally make the effort to avoid situations like this, even though I don't ideally want to be alone in life either. Hey if you have any advice for me, take advantage of the contact form on my blog too!!!
One more thought, and then I'm going to wrap up today's update, because I need to let y'all carry on with your own lives eventually. I can't always be there to save you from yourselves ya know ;)
No we have been talking consistently today and it's crazy how good it feels to have an actual conversation with him. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the other kind of conversations we have too! I think this is mostly because it feels good to open up to someone else, self-deprecating as I may be in the moment, but hey, if I can laugh at myself, so can he.
Today it was mostly a conversation that stemmed from why he wasn't able to talk as much yesterday, but it almost felt natural. I didn't think so hard about what should I say in response to him? Lately, I've been putting more thought into what I say to Jay than anyone else. Anyways, the breaking news, I made a smart comment about myself to C.B. and based on his response, it looked like I pulled a genuine laugh out of him. That's what im telling myself anyways, because I need to believe in more things that would make me happier. I'm trying to rebuild the optimism that I used to be full of, and then slowly lost somewhere along the way. I feel like I'm genuinely taking a healthier turn in my life. It feels great!
I'm still worried about the Jay aspect. But we are having a conversation about my concerns right now, and I am really hoping this conversation can end in total confidence. Where I know at least Jay and I can always be friends. Part of each other's lives however much we can. And I know that no matter what, we both just really want each other to be happy. Whatever that may look like. I want him to promise me that much. That we will always be close. Regardless.
Okay, okay. I think I've held y'all up long enough. Come back tomorrow for yet another update!
With love,
Britlit L.A.
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