We are back again on a beautiful spring day, my fellow blog bitches!
There isn't a whole lot to tell today, but there are a few minor updates, so take a seat, with your favorite mid-day beverage, and enjoy.
For the last few days, I have been feeling sad and pathetic and in the dumps with Jay. As you may recall from my previous blog post, there has been a revelation on my behalf, and my heart hurts. A lot of time has been spent considering, how he has been less than transparent with me; how he sat back and allowed me to make assumptions without correcting me. Today, however, I had made the mature decision of taking accountability for my decisions and actions. The realization has dawned on me, that I made these aforementioned assumptions, because I was too afraid to ask what was on my mind. Because on a subconscious level, I already knew what the answer was going to be, and sometimes living in denial is easier. It buys you time to consider all of the possible worst case scenarios.
In this case, Jay is never in the same headspace for more than a couple of days, he lives a significantly different kind of lifestyle than that of myself. He sets higher standards for himself, and expects himself to live up to these higher standards. A small part of me worries, how does he handle it if he doesn't quite live up to these relatively unrealistic expectations. Another part of me wonders about the what-ifs, by pursuing something with another man, how would that affect him? Today, these are the questions that I am asking him; would he be okay if my choosing C.B. potentially meant he will lose his chance. Don't get me wrong, I really like C.B. but I don't know one person who can predict what the future holds. It's going to have to be the "one day at a time" type of situation. For being 22 years old, I still have my life ahead of me, and I don't need to worry about forever just yet. Right now, I get to focus on putting myself out there, to figure everything out, that's what the twenties are for!
While C.B. made one comment, that I initially allowed to scare me off, I decided to take it at face value. Considering the context that the particular comment was said within, it has occurred to me that it's possible it was intended specifically within just that context. Because of the topic that I have in mind when I write this paragraph, I am not going in depth, but I will say that it was mentioned in a more intimate kind of a conversation. Also, as I have mentioned earlier, I am still at the age where I'm figuring life out, forever isn't the type of thing you just jump into a relationship and worry about. Not at this specific point in your life. You're supposed to allow yourself to have some fun, forget the serious stuff. Once I got past the initial shock that comment had imposed, I allowed myself to focus on some of the other things that C.B. has said to me. He has said some really nice things to me.
Things that allowed me to throw into question EVERYTHING I thought I knew about me and Jay. Which says a lot about his character, by the way, which is also part of what makes this whole thing scary to me. I mean, seriously, look at the amount of time I allowed myself to invest in Jay, all over a connection, blown way out of proportion by me, by the way. What did I know? I was what, 20 years old when he came into my life? Just because I am technically an adult now, doesn't mean that I know everything. Boy wouldn't I love to be able to say that though. Wouldn't we all, really. I mean, one thing he said to me, that really sticks out by the way, because never once did Jay say ANYTHING quite like it to me? "Some of us just want to take care of you." That statement did things to my heart. But I don't want to get into that quite yet. I'll give it a few months before we go down that road.
What I do know, is I have really liked C.B. for a while now, I never allowed myself to open up, and to act on it because I felt an obligation to Jake. Last year, C.B. brought it to my attention that he has been waiting for me, without my asking him, mind you, and when he said "months" PLURAL, well, that's when I started to take it all into serious consideration. Granted, there is a part of me that is seriously concerned that this might just be a prank, as I have encountered a fair number of assholes throughout middle school and high school, that have made me lose trust in the basic goodness of people. But so far, C.B. seems legit. And I am scared to admit just how badly I am hoping that I am right about him. We will figure that out over the course of time, I suppose. What I do know, is how certain I am about wanting to give him a real chance, providing this isn't some pathetic teenage prank.
On top of that, I am putting serious thought into how I should handle various situations that come up while we are still in the Snapchat phase of this road. When it came to Jay, I didn't put as much thought into things, I didn't entirely care, but somehow things with C.B. are different, and hell if I know what those things are and why. Maybe it's the fact that he is my age, and we're in the same boat, dealing with similar uncertainties about aspects of our lives. Maybe it's because of that, which makes me want to do things proper. Without coming off as a crazy lunatic, it is bound to happen down the road. But I want to delay the inevitability until we encounter a situation, where it is within reason.
Want to hear the crazy thing? Since C.B. and I started talking, I started to feel similarly as happy hearing from him, as I felt, hearing from Jay. It's actually borderline the same intensity I felt, nearly 2 years ago. When I thought that I loved him. To be honest, I'm not sure if I DO love Jay. I care deeply for him, no matter how stupid things are with him. Don't worry blog bitches, I know it isn't love that I feel for C.B. we have never gone out, or did anything yet. We have exchanged a fair share of words, and snaps. At this point, given how things are unfolding, all anyone can know, at most, is that I like him, and what I'm learning about him.
Which begs the question, did I truly love Jay? Did I so simply misinterpret feelings of happiness, that I have never felt for a guy before? I have had crushes, but I have never gotten to know them. They all happened to be people who didn't overlap in my social circle, I always did like the guys I knew I'd never date. At least in my teenage school days. Technically, I never thought I could have a guy like C.B., which is why I'm analyzing the fuck out of this.
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