Wednesday, March 19th, 2025

Welcome back to another dramatic post, on my dramatic life, written with love and resentment just for you, my favorite blog nerds!

After hours of overthinking about my entire, unprecedented situation; I came across a shocking realization. At least I'm thinking I did, I'm not psychiatrist or psychotherapist, with that being said, I am going to lay my self-analysis down at your feet. If I recall accurately, during my very first update, I did my best to describe both Jay, and C.B, giving you the best visual of their characters, and what I have had going on in my life over the last few months. 

More specifically, I'm sure my most loyal of readers recall my describing of C.B's character as overly confident? That is entirely true. The things he said to me months ago when he first told me that he's been waiting for me, are so swoon-worthy, they should be illegal to say to anyone. ANYONE! Some of the things he would say include: "I know you're going to choose me" and "I can't wait to say I told you so" other things he said implied the words: "It's inevitable".  Like I said, swoon-worthy. I felt like I was melting inside when he said those things to me. Of course, at the time, in my head, I thought "Yeah, good luck with that," or "I like you, but I like Jay more," and "No matter what happens, I will always choose Jay over you." What pathetic lies I would tell myself.

Presently, I'm wondering why it is C.B. had all of that confidence that I was going to come around and choose him? It's not as if he knew me very well at the time. If it's about him "knowing my type," I would feel a little offended right now. He never said anything like that to me though. Now, I am going to begin sounding something like a broken record, sorry not sorry. The way he came into my life, and when he did, it almost seems too coincidental. For the longest time I would preach that "everything happens for a reason," maybe that's exactly what this is.

Anyways, I took a slight detour there for a minute, so back to my initial statement, I came across a relatively shocking realization, considering what I have been with C.B. I'm beginning to wonder, was there ever truly a choice to be made? Was Jay ever actually an option? Or was I just hanging on to the possibility of him to protect myself from a seemingly greater possibility of heartbreak? Is it possible that, this entire time, C.B. was waiting for me to figure this out for myself? To come to my senses about all of the red flags Jay has been displaying?

When people talk about red flags, at least prior to my being where I am today, I always kinda assumed "red flags" were just reasons not to be with someone, in which case I felt the term rather harsh. Now that I have been where I am, I'm considering it from another angle. Maybe red flags can also be a term used to refer to someone who simply isn't in a place to consider the possibility of a relationship. Jay is probably the nicest, most sweet, most thoughtful man, I have ever met, that I care about so much. That I know he cares about me. That he's made it abundantly clear he only wants me to be happy and I, vice-versa.

All I have to say on this matter, is that I hope, providing C.B. and I do go out, and do decide to pursue a relationship, I hope he's okay with me keeping Jay in my life. Even if it means C.B. tagging along if Jay and I wanted to hang out and catch up. I would hope we would be able to work something out anyways.

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UPDATE ON THE CASUAL CONVERSATION EXPERIMENT:

# DAYS INTO THE EXPERIMENT: 2

# CONSECUTIVE DAYS WE CONSISTENTLY SPOKE: 2

OFFICIAL DAILY UPDATE: Today, we didn't talk too terribly much, and I have no reason to believe it has anything to do with me either. Tomorrow is the day that C.B. is leaving for Georgia, and I know he's most likely been doing what he can to complete his homework before he leaves. Yesterday I did tell him, if he needed to take time to focus on his assignments, and talk to me later, that is entirely fine. If anything, I'm sure it doesn't make him feel terribly pressured, and I don't want him to get the wrong idea about what to expect out of a relationship with me. If we even went that far. Now, I'm not going to deny the fact that I would most likely be the clingy one in a relationship. I've always been a huge fan of companionship, and embarrassingly enough, I am a little bit of an attention-seeker. Not from huge crowds though. I like attention, but from one, two people tops (simultaneously).

That brings an end to today's update, tune in for tomorrow's post. Whether there will be much to share or not, between things with Jay seeming over with for the most part; and C.B. in Georgia until Sunday evening, there may not be too much to say!

Thanks for the support you all bring to me, it means a lot, whether y'all are real or just a fragment of my imagination, its nice having an outlet to turn to.

Yours truly,

Britlit L.A.