UPDATE ON THE CASUAL CONVERSATION EXPERIMENT:
# DAYS INTO THE EXPERIMENT: 7 **ON HOLD**
# CONSECUTIVE DAYS WE CONSISTENTLY SPOKE: 6 **ON HOLD**
OFFICIAL DAILY UPDATE:
As you may have picked up, I put the whole conversation experiment with C.B. on a temporary pause. It feels like he hasn't been totally into talking since he came back; and he really hasn't talked to me about trying to set anything up. To his credit, he is 8 weeks away from finishing up the semester, and his assignments are piling up, so I refuse to be the person who is crying for my attention and such. From what he shared about his assignments, I don't blame him if I don't hear much from him at all for the next 2 months, I would be stressing big time.
So, tonight, I asked him another random question, in an attempt to get to know more about him. However, I added in that same message, that if he simply doesn't feel like talking, I would totally understand. I've left the ball in his court, and it is up to him, how he wants or needs to handle things, especially through to the end of the semester. So depending on how and if he responds to my message tomorrow, we will have an answer as to whether we will discontinue the experiment or keep it up. It's funny how it hasn't occurred to me, until just now, how experiment sounds a little bad, but that's not how I meant it, its just the only term I came up with at the time.
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On the Jay front, he took a lot more prying today, in terms of starting to work out an official plan. He's such a fucking pain in my ass sometimes, but don't worry, he know's. I see to that regularly. Now, I know I make Jay out to sound like some kind of a mean, villain in my story, when he's the exact opposite.
Nearly 2 and a half years ago, I was in a dark and lonely place, I refused to let anybody in. Not wanting to be alone, yet pushing people away. Believe it or not, we talked a bit when he first came into my life, for a month or two, inconsistently. Then, I drifted, I left him on read, didn't reply to his snaps, when I did, I wouldn't answer his simple "hey" or "how you doing". To be fair, I did this to everyone at the time, not just Jay, I was tired of my phone blowing up with snaps from people I don't know or care about.
Believe it or not, it took me screwing up at my job, causing myself to freak out, and needing someone to talk to. My parents were there, but it's their job to comfort me and not necessarily be honest all the time, so I needed someone that I could trust to be honest and real with me as possible. So I reach out to Jay and finally open up about my job, my fuck up, he calms me down. Almost effortlessly. He was my rock then. He was my rock back when I felt that I was better off dead. He's the reason I'm still here today. He made me realize that I have a life worth living, that I would be hurting more people than I realized. He fucking offered to be there for me when I felt sad and depressed and like dying, he offered to take me out to lunch and simply talk. But I turned him down. I didn't want it to be under those circumstances.
Thanks to Jay, I pulled my head out of my ass, I started talking to him more, things changed, I felt.. better, having let someone in. Having a friend again, after my ex-friend started ghosting me without any kind of a reason or a heads up. Seven months after I let him in, we didn't hang out, not for his lack of effort, rather my fears and anxieties at the time; I found myself falling hard for him. Two months after I made that discovery, I told him I loved him. Like an idiot, I expected him to say it back, when technically, we never went on a date or did anything together. But I fell in love with his personality by itself, I fell in love with everything about him, I didn't need to kiss him, or hug him, or sleep with him to know that. Things got really rough between us there for a while after that, it was the worst timing, I decided to tell him this the night before my birthday. Where he told me he didn't feel that intensely, essentially.
For a couple weeks, i kept pulling a guilt trip on him. I just wanted him to say the words to me. I wanted us to be on the same page, for things to be as easy as they have always been. He didn't, and if he did, he wouldn't have meant it, and he never ever wanted to lie to me. Being the bull-headed asshole I am, I bitched at him for it, I allowed him to believe he ruined my birthday, for the most petty reason. He didn't. He has made every single day of my life significantly better, just by being in it. He is the reason I fought past my internal conflicts to make things right between us again. He's the reason I fight period.Anyways, things got much better, stronger, unbreakable between us, with a lot of hard work on my part, and perseverance on Jay's.
Jay is not a villain in my story, He is my fucking hero. My light at the end of a dark tunnel. Sometimes he frustrates me so bad, it's hard for me to recognize this, and none of it is his fault. So many things happened to him in his life, to get him to this point, that things can be so damned challenging.
Moving forward to the present day, however, I told him to just come over, it's as far as we'll get from date-like ideas. Not that we don't want to go out with each other, we just want to take things slower, ease our way into a relationship (if we get that far). He replied "Okay, jeez, fine lol". So we may or may not have agreed on an actual location, it's all about picking out a time and day, and activity. Baby steps. If that's what it takes to spend time with the man I love, dammit I'll do it.
Tomorrow, I'm going to try my best to get the location settled, and to try and narrow down what we will do, if we can narrow it down to a couple of activities, we will be in pretty decent shape. Right now, I'm doing my best to try and keep in mind, what might make him more comfortable, as well. But he says there are no boundaries he cares to have in place, so I'm going to try and pick his brain to be safe.
Baby steps. Maybe Jay will actually make it happen this time. Maybe.
As always, thank you for reading, and for your support, it means the world to me, and as always, stay tuned for my next post.
Yours truly,
Britlit L.A.
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