Tuesday, May 6th, 2025

NEARLY 2 MONTHS LATER...

Welcome back, my blog-loving gurus,

 It has been a while since I last gave you a LARGELY unnecessary update on my personal life. Well, as some of you may have guessed, not much has been happening. Depressing. Trust me. I fucking know.

So if I'm remembering correctly, we left off at my clever to-do list to get Jay to work with me in setting something up. Honestly, I thought it was working there for a while, but we didn't make it past the second item on the agenda. Then, I'm not sure this is entirely why I stopped trying, although it could have been among other GOOD reasons.

Most recently: Proposed a wager, mainly to encourage me to take on better habits, but also, if I held up my end, we would finally spend time together.

Over time:

• I've been waiting for him for 3 fucking years
• There has been 0 effort on his part to move things forward
• He has hurt my feelings a handful of times and didn't apologize or catch on (Petty. I know)
• He has said the words, "If you want to move on, then go ahead. I want you to be happy."
• Mentally, the complicatedness of this situation is too much for me anymore.

As for reasons, I should NOT give up:

• The ONE THING I swore to myself, I would never let happen in anyone's case
• He might think I'm doing it to spite him

Those are the honest to god only reasons I can think of to NOT give up, and for the record, I never said they were GOOD reasons.

Part of me is still hoping that by my letting up, being more distant about the topic, he will start putting things into perspective. Maybe if he instills the fear of losing me in any way, in his head, he will strap on a pair and start nagging ME about hanging out. Granted, that is only a very tiny part of me hoping that. Also, it should be noted, he is not ever going to lose me as a friend; he would come to that conclusion on his own, though.

As far as C.B. ... 

Not too much to say on that matter either, he went to New York last month, and then he ghosted me for like 3 days, and then reached out maybe a day after he came back. During that time, I made multiple excuses for him, he's in school, he's on a field trip FOR school. My patience and faith were tested, however, when he had the time to post to his private story on Snapchat. 

On top of that, I posted to my story, dumb shit that I honestly wish I never had to be honest. But he still saw it. Still left me on delivered. So he left me brokenhearted that night. At that point, I felt like he really didn't care whether or not we talked, or ended up doing anything period.

After a matter of days, not having heard from him at all, he sent me a snap and said nothing, no surprise there, sad to say. During that time, I've considered so many things that I could have done wrong, and so I thought it would be a great idea to talk to C.B. about these things. So I considered what the basic things were that might be causing a minor problem between us.

Whether I included this in the last couple of blog posts, I'm not sure. Just to be safe, I will give a very quick refresher. I believe it was late March, I became the most vulnerable I ever allowed myself to be with ANY guy. To me, that night was a revelation. To me, that night told me a lot about the predicament I put myself in. It told me, if I allowed myself to be more vulnerable with C.B. than I ever allowed myself to be with Jay, that there is something more to C.B. than just the sexual desire that I initially thought.

Well, anyway, back to the present day, I considered that maybe he felt pressured by those events, that maybe I let myself be that open with the hopes that he would give up on the internship, which may have him traveling a bit. So I started there, and I made it clear that is not ever my intention, and my timing is shit. There was never any intent to ever make him feel pressured. Things felt like they returned to how they were after that. He, in turn, told me he never wanted me to feel pressured to hook up. Which, up to that point, I really didn't, and I told him that.

Today, things feel okay with him, kind of quiet, but he is officially nearing the end of the term, and has a handful of finals to worry about. So I'm kind of doing my best to be present with him, but not pile on to his stress either. The other night, he reassured me that I'm not distracting him or anything, but I'm still trying to be mindful of him. 

Also present day, I have spent a lot of time thinking about all of the things he has said to me over the last few months, and god.  I don't even know. He just keeps working himself deeper and deeper into my head. Officially, I look forward to hearing from him more than I do from Jay. Now, I get all the fucking butterflies when it comes to C.B. but not really when it comes to Jay. When I say this, I feel heartless and kind of evil. Deep down, I know if Jay knew any of this, it would hurt him deeply, which hurts me.

The intent never has been to hurt Jay, truth be told, I had no idea I was really ready to move forward in my life, and this is all catching ME by surprise. But C.B. so effortlessly won me over. This past Wednesday, I was forced to train someone at work, last second, and generally that never bodes well for me, or my trainee. Typically coz when I'm working, people know to fuck off when it comes to me. 

By the end of the shift, my trainee asked if I felt good about signing her off to be delegated, which I did. She told me that she liked training with me the best because she felt more comfortable, more independent, and like I had the whole world's worth of confidence in her. This was a huge win for me. Want to know what I did the first thing when I got home?

First, I changed out of my work clothes, then the second thing I did, was open Snapchat, and then I immediately thought of C.B. I sent C.B. a snap and said these exact words: "I have to tell someone or I'm going to explode! Guess who just got a GLOWING review from their trainee at work!!!?" it was like 15 minutes later, possibly, he sent me a VIDEO snap and said "that's nice!" and I felt so fucking bubbly. Then I replied and said, "OMG, I'm so surprised because the entire time I felt like I was being criticized for the way that I do my job!!" and he said "Good work!" which isn't a lot when you think of just the words.

OMFG YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SELFIE!! I FUCKING MELTED!! HIS SMILE WAS SO GENUINE! HE LOOKED LIKE HE FELT AS HAPPY AS I DID!                

No one has ever smiled so beautifully, so genuinely WITH me. In that moment, it felt like my win was his win, and it was amazing!!

Part of me wonders if he caught on that he was the first person I thought of, and maybe that was a part of his smile. OMG. That and he was wearing his glasses, looking sexy as ever. With a fucking book in his hand, while he was taking the time to talk to me!!! Like I was worth it to him, to multitask as he was preparing for his finals for the year.

I HAVE NO MORE WORDS! All I can say is, I need to proceed with caution because my heart is going to be in huge trouble with him.   

Honestly, his reaction alone made it so worthwhile to come to him, over anyone else!

He keeps wanting to set something up. To his credit, I had a few concerns before we do that, and I need to consider those, and then address the main one with him, before I let anything happen between us. To be honest, I don't know what kind of conversation we can have until he figures out what his summer is going to look like, though. Internship or no Internship? Extra classes or no extra classes? 

Maybe that's the kind of thing he would potentially be willing to delay to be with me? No. Even if we were dating, I don't think I could ever let him do that for me. But god it would be so fucking hard to resist him if he did that kind of thing just for me too.

        

For the time being, that is all I have to share, but I will keep you tuned, maybe we'll transition to weekly rather than daily?

Til next time!

With Love,

Britlit. L.A.