Greetings, Mi Amore bloggers!
As a result, I missed last week's update. No big deal. Not much happened last week anyway, so I can combine them into one, somewhat larger, blog post.
Over the past month or so, things have been running hot and cold with C.B., and when I say that, I mean I haven't been sure what to make of the situation. C.B. always says the right thing to me, which I obviously spend a lot of time thinking to death, but I don't think there's really an ulterior motive.
Remember how I initially thought that he was playing some kind of a prank on me? Well, despite the occasional radio silence, I've come up with an idea. I'll let you know how it works out next update. But I've hated every second of the radio silence with him, and I've felt miserable, and as always, worried that maybe he would get the idea that I'm not interested, if I'm not talking.
Talking to C.B. gives me this profound sense of happiness. Excitement. A thrill. Things with him feel different from what they did just weeks ago. I'm always happy to make myself vulnerable when it comes to him. ALWAYS! For the most part, I'm not even worried about getting burned! I'm in a place where I just want to let him into my life in any way that he wants to be.
I want to tell him everything going on in my life, no matter how small or significant it may be. I'm ready to make myself vulnerable enough to give him a real chance. To give "Us" a real chance. Okay, I know, this is old news to all of us, but here is the real kicker. This is an update from the past two days, and this is why I'm feeling extraordinarily chipper.
Yesterday, having had enough of not talking to him, I broke the silence and asked him how he had been. From there, we started a little chat session that lasted for a couple of hours, and I felt... better. By breaking the radio silence, I basically gave myself the proof I needed that everything is alright. That I didn't do anything wrong, although there was the very real possibility that I could have.
Today, however, we started off with the silence, then I decided I'm not having the silence with him again if it can be helped. So I started off with the small talk, which unexpectedly turned into a bigger conversation, which made me really happy again. I asked him about how school/work was going, and he asked me about what I was up to today (as always, errands, then nothing)!
From there, things took a rather hot turn. Words were exchanged, and well, we had another one of our... what should I call... intimate?... moments. I'm not kidding when I say we were having that moment for like 2 hours. Between the waiting to finally do something about us, and the mutual attraction, among possible other factors, those moments always last, and are the absolute best with him.
There is just something about him.. the way he talks to me, the way he looks at me, the things he makes me feel, everything about him is drawing me in! Tonight, he said things to me that I may have taken out of context, but I'm not sure, because the way it was told counts for something. The first thing he said was "I need the sexy ********** (the specifics of this conversation do not concern you!), really, I need everything." The quote is not verbatim, but the last three words are. At the end of his saying that, he kinda laughed (possibly nervously??) and he smiled and didn't really look right at me, and he kinda nervously brushed the back of his head. Well, I'm making inferences based on what I've learned about nervous tics over the years. Which, AHHHH!!!!! I swear to god, I never smiled so wide in my life, and again, I may be misinterpreting, but he seemed 100% genuine when he added that last part.
He basically said that same sentiment twice tonight, which I feel gave me plenty of clarity about where I stand with C.B. Then he said he definitely thinks we should see each other tonight, which I was *this* close to saying yes, because he was describing to me an actual date! But in typical Britlit fashion, I hedged, and then it got too late, so it didn't happen tonight, after all.
HOWEVER, after we went down the path, we did tonight, which I felt we made real progress (in the sense of clarity, not totally improvements so to speak!)... I'm thinking tomorrow, maybe I'll feel him out for the weekend, see what he is up to, and maybe we can finally aim for that official date! The crazy part is, the thought of asking him, even though I KNOW we are on the same page, still makes me very nervous.
If my past is any indication, I have a solid history of being rejected one way or the other, but things are going to be different with C.B., and that's what I need to keep telling myself. He has waited for me for several months now, and has told me there is nobody else; he has shown me loyalty. That he is trustworthy and genuine. He has earned an official date. A 100% genuine, whole-hearted chance from me!!
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On the other hand, things with Jay right now are kind of on the rocks. It's been an emotional few days for me, and I guess I really needed to vent to Jay about his part in that particular mix.
The first day and a half of talking to him about this was rough (and that sounds like a long time, but he replies once every 2 hours on average and doesn't say a ton!) I can tell his heart has always been in the right place, but I'm at the point where I don't entirely know what I need from him.
How to tell him to make things better, in whatever way he possibly can.
What it comes down to is his actions haven't entirely been aligned with his words, and I needed him to prove me wrong. About the message that I've been getting from him, about the fact that it feels like he just keeps looking for excuses to not hang out with me.
His response to that message is pending, and I guess I will find out tomorrow, but I am hoping he doesn't just brush it off with "Ok" or "Gotcha" like he sometimes does.
I want a resolution between the two of us, but right now, the possibility of that happening hinges on his willingness to work with me.
At this point, I feel like I'm about to jump all in on something with C.B., and that is exactly what my heart is telling me to do. What my heart wants me to do. So no, I don't really expect a date out of Jay. Technically, he owes me one, and told me the offer would remain on the table from the last time he asked me out, but out of obligation. But at this point? No, I don't necessarily want a date with Jay now.
All I want from Jay is clarity.
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Alright, I think it's time to wrap up this post. There is nothing more to add, just that I'm going to try something new with C.B., which is to make more effort to start more conversations with him. Then there is the added suspense of the answer I may or may not get when I ask him about finally going on that official date (potentially this coming weekend, we shall see).
Then the need for clarity with Jay.
The renewed confidence in where things stand between C.B. and me.
Anyways, unless there is a major, or emergent update, stay tuned, I will do my best to post next tuesday!
Thanks for keeping up with me, and we'll read again next week!
Yours truly,
Britlit L.A.
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