Saturday, March 22nd, 2025

 Dear whomever this may concern, you snoops,

UPDATE ON THE CASUAL CONVERSATION EXPERIMENT:

# DAYS INTO THE EXPERIMENT: 5

# CONSECUTIVE DAYS WE CONSISTENTLY SPOKE: 5

OFFICIAL DAILY UPDATE: 

Today, C.B. and I talked more, it took me a while to come up with some stronger topics of conversation. You all know me by now, I am not very well versed in how to be a social butterfly. My Uncle Max is, however, and I definitely would benefit from taking a page or two from his book. Unfortunately, I was born to two parents whom don't care to get particularly social either. No, no, they do, at the LEAST convenient times, and in the most INCONVENIENT ways.

Anyways, C.B. attended his cousins wedding today, which even though they have no idea who I am, or that this blog exists, Congratulations, and may you live a long and happy life together! Which leads me into my first little update. I kinda said something fucked up to C.B., in a way, testing the waters to see what I can joke about, or discuss with him. He said that he's at his cousins wedding and he doesn't know a lot of people there. I said, and idk why, "This is why I like funerals better, I know more people", to which he replied, with a slightly amused expression on his face, "Omg that's so fucked up" (or something like that lol). At this point I opted to clarify that the heightened sense of familiarity is the only thing I appreciate about funerals versus weddings.

From there he kind of opened up about himself, and told me about how he really isn't a very social person, contrary to popular belief. That he is actually more anti-social and hates people. From there we kind of built a more natural conversation, and it actually felt comfortable. Then it stemmed from that, into sleep struggles, and I suggested a variety of different ideas to try and help him. That conversation didn't seem to last too long, because he had to go to bed, and it was like 12:30 in the morning. 

Which brings me to the updates on the Jay end of the spectrum. We, as well, have done a little talking, and I have been asking the same questions I've been asking for the last week, in different words. My heart is broken, because I thought that we would be the real deal. That we were meant to be. But he is not in a solid headspace, to know what he wants, or if he is ready. He has made it clear, despite my earlier skepticism about the fact, that even though it doesn't seem like it, he does care about me. That he wants me to be happy, even if it means my being with someone else.

He promised me that, if I moved on from him, that I would not have to worry about hurting him in anyway. I know he is emotionally mature. I get that. He's more of an adult than I'll ever be. But I still really worry about the what ifs. What if, I moved on, and me and Jay never got the chance to find out what we could be. How would my moving on, truly affect Jay? What if we lose touch? But he swears he would never allow for that to happen.

Here's the thing, for right now, I've decided to embrace the belief that everything happens for a reason. For right now, I'm focusing on how C.B. makes me feel, in terms of some of the flirty things he says to me, and some of the over-confident things he says. The way I feel when C.B. and I have a conversation, how his smile makes me smile. How he gives me the warm and fuzzies. Right now, I am focusing on the man that I have been spending a lot of time talking to, and how I want to give him a real chance.

The chance he deserved from me, months ago. The chance that, lately, I'm not feeling so much hesitation behind, I am truly starting to believe what C.B. has been saying to me. This whole thing is scary to me, but I also remember C.B. telling me: "Open up at your own pace. That is the type of thing that we'll work on together." He said together. I don't have the best memory dating back a year and later, but I don't recall Jay ever saying that to me, in that context. One guy, that I can think of at the top of my head, did say that, but he's a manipulative asshole that doesn't deserve a mention on my blog.

As I said the other day, there was never a decision to be made, between C.B. and Jay. In reality, C.B. was the only guy who truly wanted me, and Jay, he was more of a security blanket I was clinging to. It felt safer to be naive in the Jay case, than to open up to someone new. Right now, I want to start opening up more, to C.B. but I want to figure out the proper pace, and what about. This would be done slowly, but surely, just to gauge his reactions to what I have to say. I don't want to share it all at once. But I want to let him in. There are no promises as to where things can go with him, but we take it day by day.

If we do pursue a relationship together, I want us to build one based on trust, and plenty of communication, and boat loads of honesty. This way, should we not work out, nobody would get unnecessarily hurt, and hopefully things would end on as good terms as possible.

Anywho, this is all I have for you today, but thank you for reading, and for your support and interest in my life whatsoever. Until tomorrow,

Yours truly,

Britlit L.A.